04: Relationships cont’d

with one comment

The Solution

If indeed the cliché of “be careful what you wish for because it might happen” is pertinent to relationships, then the trick with the solution is to get the “wish” part right from the start. If the idea of women who speak in some kind of code is not appealing to you, then don’t settle for being or partnering with women who speak in some kind of code. If the idea of the role of a man being characterized as uncommunicative does not appeal to you, then don’t establish or allow that kind of dynamic in your relationship.

Assume things are not going to change for the better: generally, if things are not working out the way you want them at the start, then it is unlikely they will ever work out (indeed, it’s probably going to get more difficult). This is less important if you are younger and floating around between partners, but there is some tough love necessary if you are serious about a long-term relationship: if these things aren’t right from the start GET THE HELL OUT because you’re going to waste a lot of your and your partner’s time before baling out further down the line, or get stuck permanently in a relationship that is unsatisfactory.

Right from the start you’ve got to communicate effectively with your partner. Now you might argue that this is exactly what Gray is suggesting, but the thing is he is actually suggesting men play a cunning game: decode the Venusian language, pay lip service to its quirky requests, and everyone’s happy (and similar tricks for women to pull on men). But in realty there is no such game: only honesty and transparency. Only with transparency can both parties communicate what they need and desire out of a relationship, and if you can’t get it at least when you part company you know you have given it your best shot (it’s very sad when people part company after many years of things not working out having never really communicated what they want: the other person may never have known and had a chance to meet those needs and desires). The paradox is that the type of man who communicates in this way is likely to be far more “successful” in relationships than with the kind of game-playing suggested by either DeAngelo or Gray. Because the masculinity conspiracy has dictated that men are not very communicative, those that run counter to this myth are highly valued.



Written by Joseph Gelfer

December 14, 2010 at 3:33 pm

One Response

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  1. Love “those that run counter to this myth are highly valued.” Definitely how I feel about my husband!

    Lisa L

    March 14, 2015 at 7:14 am

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